


Hiddle Me This - alternate ending

by Cumberknit



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 15:14:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cumberknit/pseuds/Cumberknit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the ending I originally foresaw for "Hiddle Me This." My betas convinced me to rethink it. I promised to let people read it anyway. Please see the end notes for some discussion of why I changed the ending. Most of chapter 29 is the same as in the original, but there are a couple more journal entries. Chapter 30 is an epilogue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hiddle Me This - alternate ending

Chapter 29: Excerpts from the  
Journal of Dr Caro Foreman, October 2012 – February 2013

**22 October 2012.** Met with Herr Doktor Becker today. No open positions at Düsseldorf University Hospital, but perhaps work for me at another hospital, if I‘m willing to teach. Told him I’m willing to do any mix of duties. Hope to hear within the week. Letter of intent to hire needed for visa.

Had email from Julie – Tom keeps calling her but so far polite, keeping to worried act, pretending she hasn’t seen him without his mask. Very afraid he might eventually threaten to harm her to get to me. She can change her phone and move house but she can’t quit her job.

Also worried about being found – can’t really hide and still hold a job. Tom could easily hire someone to trace me. Can’t do much about it. Hoping he’s got the message. Why would he want me back when I don’t want to be with him anymore?

Sent the engagement ring to Julie, who will repost it to Tom anonymously from somewhere random in the city. It’s not right to keep it, and I don’t want to look at it anyway.

 

**2 November 2012.** Think the interview went well. Hopefully I can get the Letter of Intent to Hire by next Friday, and apply for visa the following week. Hospital privileges will take a couple months, but I have enough money saved to get by. Really don’t want to take Liam up on his offer to help out—owe him enough already for his introduction to Herr Doktor Becker.

Julie reports Tom stopped calling. He must be satisfied she doesn’t know where I am. That, or he has found out some other way. Can’t help feeling a bit paranoid, after he dragged me back the first time. He doesn’t like losing.

 

**18 November 2012.** Indescribably sad today. This should have been our wedding day. Almost phoned him dozens of times. Has my leaving made him realise what he did was wrong? Has he possibly learned, changed, with the enormity of the wake-up call? Or is he even crazier now? Does he hate me? I wonder what he’s doing, even where in the world he is. I don’t look. I can’t.

 

**21 December 2012.** Somehow strings have been pulled, and my privileges have been granted in an unprecedented six weeks. Starting work right after New Year’s.

Christmas will be quiet for me this year. I don’t know anyone well enough to be invited to anything. Tom and I were to have gone back to Rome. God help me, I miss him, as stupid as that sounds. Will this ever go away?

 

**30 January 2013.** Keeping busy with work and exercise. Knitting offers too much time to think. Goal every day: be exhausted at night and fall asleep immediately. Not really making friends—not sure how long I will stay. Perhaps they sense my sadness. I still miss him. Still cry myself to sleep most nights. Sometimes dial his number, never press SEND. Does he miss me? Does he have another lover already? I’ve never known what was printed in the papers about why our wedding was cancelled. Still can’t bear to look.

 

**1 February 2013.** There is a man that I am seeing on my way to and from work every day. Wouldn’t have noticed him, except that I see him every day, no matter whether I’m on time, early, or late. Always pass him within a few hundred yards of my block of flats. Today he nodded and greeted me like he knew me. Odd.

**10 February 2013.** I did something incredibly stupid yesterday, because it was Tom’s birthday, and I couldn’t bear it. Tobias Bauer is the hospital’s geneticist, and he’s been asking me out for drinks for weeks. I put him off, just not interested, not ready for a date with anyone. But I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts yesterday, so I said yes. I could blame the alcohol, but I knew what I was doing. Rather than go home alone, I brought Tobias, and used sex to block out the thoughts that drink couldn’t. It didn’t work. I still thought about Tom. This morning Tobias has ‘that look.’ The one that means he thinks he’s in love with me.

Fuck.

 

**19 February 2013.** Burying myself in work. Tobias has agreed to take things more slowly, at least emotionally. Sex is a nice distraction, and he’s a good-looking man, but I can’t get attached right now. I’ve told him I had a bad breakup, that I called off an engagement, and he seems to understand. Like most men, as long as he’ll be getting sex, he’ll agree to almost anything.

Have I always been that cynical?

 

**20 February 2013.** I swear I am seeing that man everywhere now. If I didn’t see him constantly, I wouldn’t notice him at all. Average height, average build, average German features. Nondescript winter coat. Clean shaven. A hat. I don’t think I could help a sketch artist draw him, but I could pick him out of a line up. He hasn’t acknowledged me again, but for some reason, I feel like he dislikes me now. I can’t pin down why.

I’m beginning to wonder if this man isn’t watching me for Tom. If he is, he knows about Tobias.

I need some insurance.

 

**22 February 2013.** I’ve spent two days non-stop, getting my story noted down. I had to start from the beginning, as no one would believe me if I just came out and said that Tom Hiddleston is a twisted, controlling, possessive man capable of engineering my professional disgrace, in addition to kidnapping me and trying to force me to get his initials tattooed on my skin. I had to show the unveiling, or was it the transformation? I’m still not sure whether he’d always been this way with girlfriends, but from Allie’s story, I suspect that the only thing that’s changed over the years is his level of sophistication.

I’ve saved my story, along with the racy photographs, to a pair of USB drives. I’m sending one to my solicitor, with instructions that copies be sent to all major news outlets in the event of my suspicious death or disappearance. I want to send one to Julie, but I fear that could somehow make her a target. I’ll have to think about it. This will only work to protect me if Tom knows it exists, so I’ll have to send him a message too. I don’t look forward to wording that; I’ve saved it for last. I’ll email him; that should be untraceable. If he hasn’t found me yet, I don’t want to give him a postmark to work with.

**23 February 2013.** Well, it’s done. I emailed Tom, telling him that I suspect he’s spying on me, and that if anything happens to me, an account of how he’s treated me will be made public.

Epilogue  
London, March 2013  
Frederickson, Richards, and Smith, Solicitors

A USB drive sat on my desk. Tom Hiddleston, the actor, stood in my law office, having politely refused the chair I had offered.

“You haven’t looked at any of the files on the drive, Mr Smith?” Mr Hiddleston’s tone was pleasant enough, but his stance and the way he repeatedly ran his hand through his hair and bit his lower lip showed that he was a bit nervous. 

I had skimmed the enormous document on the drive, and looked at one or two of the photographs in the folder labelled simply “Photos June 2011.” It seemed to me that Dr Foreman was accusing Mr Hiddleston of being a monster of the worst sort, with only some photographs that were admittedly consensual, and thus completely legal, as proof.

“You actually contacted me before it even arrived. Your offer was so persuasive that I followed your instructions to the letter, Mr Hiddleston.” £250,000 was very persuasive, but since there was no way he could tell whether I’d looked at the files, I had anyway. Call me curious. I could understand why he was willing to pay to keep this out of the media. Whether or not a word of it was true, it could be damaging to his career, I supposed. The sum he was willing to pay was modest to me and likely inconsequential to him.

He leaned on my desk, his right hand closing over the USB drive. “You haven’t made a copy.” He wasn’t asking; he was warning me.

“No, I haven’t made a copy.” This time I was telling the truth. I wanted nothing to do with it. I was happy to have it gone. I run a respectable law practice, and being associated with a celebrity scandal was not what I wanted. Being able to wash my hands of it and get paid to do so was a fortuitous turn of events. That Dr Foreman had seen fit to involve me made me annoyed enough not to look into the situation too closely.

The actor stood straight again, the drive in his hand. “If any word of what’s on this drive becomes public, I will hold you responsible.” The intensity of his glare took me aback; where had that come from?

“I can assure you, you have nothing to worry about.” The envelope of cash was already safely locked in my top desk drawer.

He nodded before turning to leave. At the door, he stopped again. Turning, he seemed to be looking at the front of my desk rather than at me.

“I still love her, you know,” he said conversationally. “I’ll love her until the day I die. I told her I’d always take care of her, and I will.” He looked up, locking eyes with me even though I desperately wanted to look away. The fire that burned there was unsettling, to say the least. “I told her what would happen if she ever slept with another man. She should have come back to me, where she belonged.” He shook his head, as if he were banishing the thoughts from his head. An amiable smile replaced the grim look he had worn seconds earlier. “Anyway, if any of this becomes public,” he said as he pointed the drive at me, “I’ll take care of you, too. Good day.”

Before I could respond, he turned on his heel, opened the door, and walked out, shoving the drive into his pocket as he went.

\-------

(Translation)

Düsseldorfer Nachrichten  
3 March 2013

 

**Double Homicide: Two Doctors Found Dead  
No leads, say police**   


The bodies of Tobias Bauer, 36, and Carolyn Foreman, 34, were found in Foreman’s apartment on yesterday morning. Both were doctors at Düsseldorf University Hospital. No suspects have been identified. The police have not released information on the mode of death or whether burglary was a motive. Dr Foreman was an American citizen, but had been living and working in Germany. Anyone with any information is urged to contact the police.

The Guardian  
3 March 2013

 

**Woman found Dead  
Burglary Gone Wrong, Say Police**   


A burglary interrupted by the resident is the likely scenario that led to the death of Julie Penrose of Camberwell. Police were called when a neighbour noticed Penrose’s door ajar and saw that the flat had been ransacked. On arrival, officers found the body of Penrose, 28. Sources say she was likely strangled, but no sexual assault appears to have taken place. It is unknown what items may have been taken. Penrose worked as an administrative assistant at Kings College Hospital.

Any individuals with information about this crime are encouraged to contact London police.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Hello readers: now that you’ve read the way I originally decided to end the story, I’ll tell you why I didn’t do it.
> 
> While I have based the character of Tom in this story on Tom Hiddleston’s public persona, obviously I have been willing to stray quite widely from it. That said, I was struck by multiple optimistic quotes from Tom on the nature of character, forgiveness, and redemption:
> 
>  
> 
> “Acting is about truthfulness.” 
> 
> “There is an Iago and a Romeo within all of us, there is that lover, and there is that sociopath."
> 
> “I don’t think there are villains in this world. I think there are just misunderstood heroes.” 
> 
> “I don't think anyone, until their soul leaves their body, is past the point of no return.”
> 
>  
> 
> This last quote came to my notice on the day that I was debating this ending with my beta readers. I took it as a sign that, despite the reality that abusers seldom actually reform their behavior permanently, perhaps I should give “HMT” Tom that chance. Of course, I have a soft spot for this character – when writing, I often felt like I had to force Tom to be cruel for the sake of the storyline, when I truly wanted him to be kind.
> 
> I will go out on a limb and say that I don’t think I agree with Tom’s level of optimism, as expressed in these quotes. I’d love the chance to debate it with him. I believe that there are truly evil people in this world, whether they see it that way or not. Tom may have only been talking about the mindset needed to play a character like Loki, and in the context of acting, his statement may certainly be true. But if someone who has purposefully done truly heinous things repents on their deathbed, is that good enough? They may have seen the error of their ways, but that doesn’t mean that they are worthy of the forgiveness of others, or that their wrongs may be righted. I think in this respect, Tom has led a bit of a sheltered life. It’s different to read about atrocities in the newspaper than to see them with your own eyes. (Please don’t bother calling me out; I have seen some things anyone would consider atrocities, and I’ll leave it at that, for the sake of my anonymity and your psyche.) That said, the “Tom” character in this story certainly is redeemable and forgivable, though whether Caro chooses to forgive him or even to trust him again (in the ‘official’ ending) is a personal decision.
> 
> I actually prefer the other final chapters, leaving the future open-ended. There will be no sequel.
> 
> Additionally, the betas felt that this ending was perhaps too close to the reality that domestic violence all too often ends in the death of the abused. Above all, this story was meant to be entertaining, and ending on this note would perhaps be a bit harsh.
> 
> Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me. I never set out to write a novel, but I suppose I can cross one more thing off my bucket list.


End file.
